Previous Leisure
Women's Bumper Stickers
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
6. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . some things are just better rich.
7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
10. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
11. Guys have feelings too. but like . . . who cares?
12. Well-behaved women rarely make history.
13. Next mood swing: 6 minutes
14. ... and your point is?
15. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
16. Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.
17. Do not start with me. you will not win.
18. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
19. All stressed out and no one to choke.
20. I'm one of those bad things that happens to good people.
21. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
22. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
23. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
24. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it
rain on TV,
so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any
lower...
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin
to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being
held in Sydney.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have
started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...
Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...
Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.
Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages,
and most national parks...
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.
Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
A: Another blonde?
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?
Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)
A: Yes. Outdoors.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
"So what does that tell you?" asked Sherlock
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time
is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God
is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does
it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you moron. Some
bastard has stolen our tent."
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?